my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
