I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
