And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
