he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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