seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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