I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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