my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
