What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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