I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
