...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
