god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
