sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
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