this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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