I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
