I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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