you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
