Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
