I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You can't just leave with hair like that
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
