can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
