At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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