From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Too much gin, very little bucket
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize