did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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