Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
