On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
