I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
