did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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