I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Text me some of your sweat
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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