Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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