also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
