my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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