i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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