I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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