Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Send help, water and tortillas.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
