if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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