I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
