My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I lost the right to judge tonight
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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