Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
