You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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