Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
