I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
