I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
