So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
