you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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