apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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