I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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