She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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