Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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