I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i love accidental penises.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize