somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
