I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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