Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I am one with the molecules
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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