just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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