Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
