i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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