I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
