how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
