Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
