I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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