Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize