You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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