I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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