Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
